jodiet.com Blog

I was completely blocked as to what I should blog about this week then I came across the following little essay I wrote a couple of years ago. I’m thinking I should take my own advice with the six-step planned outlined…

ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU MAY BE

As parents, we want our children’s dreams to come true. Many of us say we had big dreams once upon a time but gave them up to get married, begin families, and engage in day-to-day life. We enroll our children in acting classes, dance classes and piano lessons and sign them for the local soccer team, baseball team, or football league. Then we go to great lengths to encourage and celebrate our children’s achievements, often traveling across state or country, sometimes risking jobs and livelihoods. If our children stick with the activity, we may spend hours marketing our children to colleges and universities or talent scouts. We do all this in the name of helping our children make their dreams come true. However, if we sat down to really think about it and be honest with ourselves, would we find the specific dream we wish for our child is actually a dream we are trying to accomplish through our child rather than the dream our child would have necessarily chosen for himself or herself?

Despite our child’s skills, talent, desire and our dedication and commitment, more likely than not, one day the child will either find their skills, dedication and desire are not sufficient to sustain in the “big leagues” or meet someone, get married and begin their own families—and the cycle continues. Granted, our dreams of becoming a professional athlete or movie star is an extreme example which we will learn if feasible quickly. But what if your dream is not so far into the stratosphere? Such as writing a book, becoming a lawyer, getting a degree or finishing high school? Or maybe it is not professionally related, such as to run a marathon or learn to be a gourmet cook? It is true there are major league baseball players, award-winning movie stars, and Olympiads and why shouldn’t it be your child? I’m not suggesting anyone discourage their child from striving to reach their dreams; the problems ensue when the balance is tipped where we find ourselves more invested and interested in our child’s dream than the child.

Living out any dream vicariously through our child is inefficient and, even if the child achieves the dream, it is bound to be at least somewhat disappointing. Worse than that, it is an obligation the child, if not unable to fulfill, is likely to be unwilling. Being responsible for their parents’ happiness or sense of achievement and satisfaction is unfair and has the potential to significantly damage self-esteem.

What if, instead of putting all of our efforts into our children achieving “their” dreams, we instead strive to attain our own dreams? Our sense of personal satisfaction and achievement would be increased and our children would be free to follow their own dreams and find their happiness, leaving us to simply feel happy for them. Maybe our relationships with our children would improve. Broken would be the cycle of individuals leaving their lives unfulfilled and feeling wasted because they were not able to accomplish what they wanted or live out through their children who, side-tracked by daily life of being a spouse, employee and parent, also abandoned their dreams.

Choosing to concentrate on our own dreams rather than our children’s may seem idyllic but it is really quite practical. As we age, our dreams do mature but they don’t disappear. As older, wiser human beings, we have the capacity to hold more-attainable dreams and the skills to devise a plan to reach them. Our job, as parents, is not to create the next Michael Jordan, Stephen King, or ballet star; our job is to provide our kids with self-esteem, perseverance, and attitude to work to reach their dreams and do what they want to do. What better way to instill these qualities and skills than to teach by example?

So how do we go about achieving our dream and avoid leaving it in the pile of should’ves, would’ves, could’ves or half-dones at the end of our lives? Step One: Don’t wait. Everyone has things they want to do when their kids get old enough to not require a baby-sitter, go to college, graduate from college or when we retire and surely, we will have more time to devote to our dream once those milestones have passed. But what other variables could exist when those events come and go? Most simply, you may not be around and have the opportunity to start working on your dream but more likely, you may be so overwhelmed at what all you have yet to do to achieve the dream, you don’t know where to begin and feeling frustrated, abandon the dream. Don’t wait; whether you can devote a day a week, an hour a week, five minutes a day or five minutes a week, start now. If your dream requires a class or other endeavor you really do not have time to commit to now, you can still read about your area of interest, conduct internet research, etc.

Step Two: Identify your dreams or goals. Start by making a list of all of the things you would like to do, be, learn, etc. Consider the items on your list and conduct research if necessary to determine the skills, time, and money necessary to achieve that dream. Go through the list and eliminate those for which you know you don’t have the resources, skills, capacity or desire to accomplish. Narrow your list to the two or three goals or dreams most doable and important to you. You may really want to make millions of dollars flipping real estate but if you have no real estate, carpentry or construction skills and live in a rural town in Iowa, this will not be a practical dream. Similarly, you may be very physically fit and have the stamina to run a marathon but if the thought of doing so makes your sides cramp, this is also not a practical dream.

Step three: Determine the specific tasks you will need to accomplish to achieve the dream. Consider whether you need to take a class and if so, the deadline for enrolling. Go on-line to research your dream, determine how others have reached similar goals or find professional or other organizations devoted to your area of interest. Talk to others who have achieved a similar goal to find out what obstacles they faced, how long it took to accomplish, and the steps they took to achieve it. Make a list of the specific tasks that need completed, write down what needs to be done first, what needs to be done second, etc. Look at each of these tasks and break it down further; break it down to tasks as small and as specific as you can. If possible, estimate how much time it will take to complete each specific task.

Step Four: Determine the amount of time you can steal on a daily or weekly basis to devote to working toward your dream given all of your other professional, family and personal obligations. Schedule the time on your calendar—try to schedule at least twice as much time as you’ve determined you can devote to allow for flexibility should something keep you away from the time you were planning to work. In addition to allotting time, schedule the specific task you plan to work on during those times. If you have a couple of tasks that are not dependent on each other and can be done simultaneously, vary your schedule between the tasks to avoid boredom.

Step Five: Record your progress. It is important to record your progress toward your dream for a variety of reasons. First, seeing the amount of time you’ve spent working toward the dream and what you’ve accomplished in black and white will give you a great sense of satisfaction and achievement which will provide motivation to keep moving ahead. If you want to, have the means and it is compatible with your goal, build a reward system into your progress recording. For some dreams, working on the dream is the reward but for some dreams which may be more difficult to sustain or where the end result is more appealing than the path to get there, a reward may help you to stay focused and motivated. In addition to providing a sense of achievement and motivation to keep going, tracking progress will also allow you to continually assess what you have left to complete, allowing you to identify and alter your schedule or your task list if appropriate.

Step Six: Remain flexible but focused. As we all know, children, spouses, and jobs keep our lives extremely busy and often unpredictable. If your child becomes ill and you have to take her to the doctor, take research material along to read while waiting. Also, be opportunistic—rather than looking out the window on long car trips, work on your tasks. If you are forced to take a day off due to sick children, don’t take your every-day work home but work on dream-work while your child is napping. Get up early or stay up late. Barter time with yourself—“I’ll get groceries tonight and take an hour on Saturday to work on my dream”. If possible, get your family involved. If there is something you can do toward your dream when you go on vacation, make a side stop. Schools today are always encouraging kids to get physical so, if you have a physical fitness dream, take the kids with you. Have them time laps or practice cheering you on at your event. Take your kids to the library and set them up reading books or playing computer games while you sit at a nearby table to read, research, or write. In addition to remaining flexible in the time you devote to your dream, remain flexible in your deadlines to complete the specific tasks and the dream itself. Keep deadlines in mind but do not get discouraged if you don’t accomplish what you had wanted by the deadline—this is your own dream so give yourself an extension, or two, or as many as it takes. The important thing is to keep working. It may take you 1 week to reach your dream, 1 month, 1 year, 1 decade or the rest of your life but you need to remind yourself the real accomplishment is having a dream and working to achieve it. It is the process that will give you the most ongoing satisfaction and sense of fulfillment and it is the process that will offer your children the example they need to achieve their own dreams and goals.

Day 1, Friday, June 12, 2009
Today’s mission is to get to my in-laws in LuVerne. We picked up our rental car and were home by 10 a.m. We got the car packed full and realized we’d only had @2/3 of everything loaded so we had to regroup and downsize. We each removed about ½ of our clothes planning to wear them twice or wash them out in the hotel sink. We finally got everything in and left; the kids and I eating our knees. We didn’t even get out of town before my son asked, “Can I watch a movie?” The answer? “No!!!” We stopped along US 20 for a bathroom break. My son came out and announced he had a problem—the belt keeping his shorts from falling to his knees broke in two. We got to my in-laws later in the afternoon and went to dinner in Algona, about a 20 minute drive, then bought my son a belt at Kmart. My father-in-law bought a bottle of whiskey to share with us from Hy-Vee across the street.

We got back to my in-laws and instructed the kids to get on their pajamas so we could wash the clothes they wore that day to provide one more clean outfit. I helped my son to dig out his pajamas and he asked, “Can I wear my new no-show socks?” At that moment, the light bulb went off and I said, “What was the other suitcase we took your clothes out of to leave at home?” LeRoy, my husband: “The red, green and yellow one. Why?” Me: Smack my forehead, “The socks were in the front pocket.” Before my son could launch into a full meltdown, I explained that we’d wash the socks he was wearing for tomorrow and we’d surely need to buy some whiskey when we get to Rapid City so we’d find somewhere to buy more socks then. “Yes, the exact same ones.”

Day 2, Saturday, June 13, 2009
We actually got on the road ½ hour ahead of schedule—thanks to the fact we left the tub in which we brought corn-on-the-cob cupcakes at my in-laws. We stopped at Blue Earth to see the Jolly Green Giant and for @1 ½ hours in Mitchell for lunch and to see the world’s only corn palace (who else would want one)? Both were typical cheesy road side attractions but enjoyable. Another cheesy stop on our list is Wall Drug—one cannot miss Wall Drug even if you slept while driving I-90 as the first of at least 250—no exaggeration—bill boards advertising it start just after you cross the state line. Eleven hours after we pulled out of the farm, just a few arguments between the kids and stern “knock it off”s from their parents, we pulled into the WaTiki water park resort. Of course, Susan (a/k/a Tom Tom) told us the hotel was four miles further than it actually was—but I can’t really blame her because a billboard located literally right next to the hotel also said it was two more miles ahead. The first order of business was finding a Wal-Mart to buy my son socks and then a liquor store to buy whiskey. For some reason, Rapid City has a casino on nearly every corner, some even in check cashing joints, but they only sell beer outside of liquor stores and no one under 21 is allowed to step inside the door. The next order of business was the indoor water park. This went well until my husband’s prescription safety glasses fell off his face at the end of a water slide ride—not to worry though because they called the manager who called in a life-guard who dove under to retrieve them from the drain at the bottom of the pool while we sheepishly watched. I’ve never come close to losing my glass on a water slide but after that, I went up and down the slides blind nearly wiping out several other swimmers with my tube in the process.

Day 3, Sunday, June 14, 2009
A day fitting for Flag Day. We started the day at the faces on the mountain. The sky created a dark clear blue backdrop for my numerous pictures of the memorial. We agreed that I’d have to weed out the best pictures to include in my album because anyone who reviews it would wonder how many damn pictures of faces on a mountain one needs. On the way to Mt. Rushmore, I got a wrong number phone call on my cell phone as my kids yelled, “I see it! I see it!” I hung up the phone and looked around but I didn’t see it. They kept yelling, “over there!” until I finally found it. It was a lot higher on the mountain than I’d imagined. The oddest thing was from one point on the highway it looks like Teddy Roosevelt is leaning into Abraham Lincoln for a kiss—creepy. After “faces”, we toured the Borglum museum and learned all about the designer of Mt. Rushmore then we all snuggled up to a giant bronze statue of Lincoln sitting on a bench in front of the museum. After that, we walked main street Keystone then went to the National Presidential Wax Museum. This was very cool but my daughter and I were done well before the men in the family as they wanted to listen to each and every five minute bio of all 44 presidents while us girls listened to those we thought looked interesting through our digital wand and read the plaques for the others. The original wax sculptor was much better than that for the most recent presidents. Some were so real I expected them to start talking or shout back, “what are you looking at?” The most recent presidents were not nearly as good but I did expect the wax rendition of Bill Clinton to say, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinski.”

After the wax museum, my daughter and I rode the chair lift up to the Alpine slide and rode the slide back down while the boys had ice cream. After that we started out on what appeared to be a short drive around Mt. Rushmore and Custer State Park. We pulled into the firehouse brewery restaurant downtown nearly two hours later. The kids stayed in good humor through most of the drive and though my son complained he was going to barf, he never actually did. Success!!

Day 4, Monday, June 15, 2009
Today was Badlands National Park and the supremely cheesy, overdone and over-advertised Wall Drug. We drove the loop road through the park stopping at several view points along the way for pictures. Some of the viewpoints had short resin decking board walks under which some ferocious bunnies hid and jumped out to scare unsuspecting 7-year olds. After stopping at the privately owned gift shop and visitor’s center, we ventured off on our hikes of the day at high noon. Luckily, it only got up to @80 degrees; if it had been 90 all of us would’ve been wilted and dragging, not just my daughter. The first hike was the hardest according to my plan as I read about a ladder on the trail in my guidebook. I wasn’t sure if we’d walk the whole trail but I thought we’d check it out. We got to the ladder and decided to press on. The first ½-3/4 was easy, more like stairs than a ladder but the top 10-15’ was a ladder with 4”-wide log rungs that swayed a little as we climbed. The top ledge was beautiful and the descent was much more hairy than the ascent but we made it down fine. After this notch trail, we walked window trail, a short decked wheelchair accessible boardwalk. We then walked only the accessible boardwalk portion of the next trail; as we approached the end and listened to the families heading back, I was glad to find out I was not the only one listening to hot, hungry, whining kids. The trail headed further out into the pitted rock marked with short yellow posts but by then even I’d had enough so we left for Wall. After lunching in a local restaurant we headed for the drug store. An hour after visiting the epitome of cheesy, we stopped for ice cream then back to the hotel for the water park.

Day 5, Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Due to our horse drawn wagon and cowboy supper, we stuck close to the hotel today to make sure we weren’t late. In the morning, we toured Black Hills Caverns. We were the first group and only group on our tour. We felt kind of bad for the three teenagers running the joint and worried for their financial future but were relieved when we returned to the gift shop (because all tours as you know end at the gift shop) and saw a group of sixteen on the next tour. After the Caverns, we checked out Dinosaur Park overlooking Rapid City. The dinosaur statues were kind of neat but I was more interested in the views of the city and that is where I focused my photography efforts. After hobbling up and down the stairs at Dinosaur Park because my right thigh tightened up from the ladder climb at the Badlands, we returned to the hotel to let the kids swim for a couple of hours. A few minutes before we were going to leave the water park anyway, my son was startled by the giant dumping bucket of water and fell on the stairs which left him scratched and rug burned on his arms, back, chest, knee and foot.

We got very lucky for our chuck wagon dinner as it was the only evening except our last where it wasn’t raining at that time of night. The trip to the supper’s location was scenic and the supper itself in a beautiful location. We were serenaded which a “cowboy” playing his guitar and singing songs in front of a non-existent camp fire until dinner was ready. While we were waiting for dinner to cook, the shadows took over as the sun set behind the thick trees in the meadow so I decided to trade my sunglasses for my regular glasses. But when I looked for them in the backpack we took, they were gone. The last time I remembered seeing them was on the trunk of the car when I was getting the backpack ready. My daughter told me, “Don’t forget your glasses” and of course I answered the typical, “I won’t.” I figured they’d either fell off the trunk of the car or out of the backpack and just hoped nobody drove over or walked on them. Knowing I couldn’t do anything about it then, I concentrated on trying to forget about my glasses.

Dinner was delicious—baked beans with bacon and beef pieces, fried potatoes, steak and peach cobbler for dessert all cooked on an open fire. A few minutes following dinner, we returned to the parking area and as soon as the horses stopped, we all jumped out to look for my glasses which were indeed laying on the gravel next to the car tire. It was still early so we decided to attend the Mt. Rushmore lighting ceremony. We got there @7:30 and waited the 1 ½ hours until the ceremony began. The weather was good, though, and it went by pretty quickly. Our big laugh was a little girl behind us that asked her mom if they could go see “Mr. Crazy Horse” next and her mom trying to explain that Mr. Crazy Horse was not very close by. When the ceremony started, there wasn’t a seat to be found which we found amazing for a random Tuesday in June and thought if they don’t give reserved tickets for the July 3rd fireworks, a person wanting to attend would have to get there when they opened the gate and stake out their spot right away. The ceremony included the pledge of allegiance lead by a boy scout, a video, and lighting of the faces. It was inspiring per legend with the first thing amazing me the most being that all of those people—a few thousand at least—coming from all of the country knowing the pledge of allegiance saying it together. The next inspiring moment was at the end of the ceremony when every past or present member of any armed forces were invited to go down on stage to say their names, military branch, and stay for singing the star spangled banner and the lowering of the flag. I would estimate there were 200+ veterans there that night.

Day 6, Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Today was our hiking day at Custer State Park. I picked the long hike to Harney Peak but was vague with the rest of the family because I knew if they found out how long it was, they’d refuse to go. I figured once they got going, if they complained too much I’d tell them to wait for me while I did the hike. The trail head for the Harney Peak trail was at the back of Sylvan Lake. Of course, the route I picked to get there was the long, rocky part (not according to plan) as opposed to the nice flat part we discovered on the way back. We started the hike @11 a.m. and @1, we started passing people on the way back down telling us “you’re almost there,” and “not much left.” At about 3, after much whining and complaining by mainly my daughter who I’d swear was a spoiled little rich girl if only we were rich, we finally the saw the brick building that actually ended the hike—the same building shortly after we started LeRoy saw and said, “I wonder what that little building up there is.” We made it to the 7,400+ foot peak, looked around a few minutes, snapped a few pictures and headed back down before the ominous-looking clouds opened up. We got back to the car @5 p.m.; a few seconds later the rain began. On the way back to the hotel, we drove in driving sheets of rain and hail. We felt sorry for the motorcyclists we passed on the drive back. We were astonished by our great timing. By the time we got back to the hotel, we were all dirty, exhausted and my feet were blistered but it felt good to have accomplished the hike to the highest elevation between the Rockies and the Alps. Thankfully, the water park at the hotel was closed because of the storm so we showered and went out to eat where I felt I’d earned my 32 oz. Blue Moon and baked shrimp scampi.

Day 7, Thursday, June 18, 2009
Today’s focus was the last of our pre-paid package deal attractions, Devil’s Tower National Monument. We left early for the @2 hour drive. The monument was neat but a little disappointing after the long drive; the highlight for me was that I got to add Wyoming to the list of states in which I’ve been in. Being all hiked out, we just walked the short 1.3 mile paved loop around the tower in the light rain. On the way back, we stopped at Spearfish to visit the D.C. Booth Fish Hatchery, very interesting and free. After the hatchery, we found lunch and then headed back through Spearfish Canyon, Lead, and Deadwood, stopping to view a waterfall along the road and at Presidents Park which has large @ 8-10’ statues of all 43 presidents, soon to be 44 when Barack’s arrives on the 4th of July. Other than the typical fights between the kids which are a given, it was a relatively uneventful day. No lost glasses or injuries. We returned to the hotel, let the kids swim for a couple of hours and found a Fuddruckers for dinner at 9:30 p.m.

Day 8, Friday, June 19, 2009
Today was another day to stick close to the hotel because of the long drive tomorrow and to squeeze in every last must-see on our list. We started the day in Rapid City with the Berlin Wall exhibit and Storybook Island. Having remembered the time of the Iron Curtain, Reagan’s famous, “Mr. Gorbechev, tear down this wall,” and the fall of the Berlin wall, it was quite interesting for LeRoy and I to view two sections from the actual wall that was in Berlin. The kids, however, were not impressed and played around in the park while we looked at the wall sections and interpretive signs. My son, not getting it, asked, “Can you take my picture by it?” and I had to explain that it was not the type of attraction to take happy pictures like “look at me, I’m imprisoned by commies” but to kind of quietly observe. Storybook Island was a free fairytale-themed park geared toward younger children but I wanted to check it out. It was really cute and we all enjoyed it. We got several pictures with our favorite characters. If you have a 3 or 4 year old (or maybe even 5) and you get to Rapid City, you have to go to Storybook Island, a kid that age would love it. Walking in we passed a group of kids all dressed in the same tie dyed t-shirts; LeRoy observed, “there’s a big group” and one little girl piped up and said, “We’re a daycare, that’s why.”

By the pirate’s ship, we noticed a little boy, @3 maybe, calling out, “Mommy! Mommy!” A couple of women came up so I thought maybe he was just calling for his mommy to “come see” but they kept walking so after a few minutes, I asked him, “Do you see your mommy?” He said “no” so we started looking around for a frantic mother. After a few seconds when I was about ready to send LeRoy to the information desk, the little boy pointed and confirmed that he saw his mommy. As he ran to her, she rolled her eyes, shook her head, and mouthed “thank you” to us. My kids, thankfully, were always too wimpy to wander off but we know how fast little kids can get away.

After Storybook Island, we headed to the Cosmos Mystery Area which is basically a giant optical illusion—very fun and very cool, though. We were going to go to a gold mine next but we went the wrong way so went to the Prairie Berry winery, where I wanted to go anyway. They are very smart at that place and hand your kids graham crackers and wiki sticks inviting them to sit on a couch in front of a fireplace when you walk in the door while you taste your wine. Ten minutes and $100 worth of wine later, we left and went to the Big Thunder Gold Mine which we learned was about the worst investment for investors until Madoff came along because the miners worked for something like 16 years and only found $200 worth of gold. Our final stop was the Air & Space Museum at the Ellsworth Air Force Base. We topped off the week with Schlotsky’s deli and a few hours at the water park.

Day 9, Saturday, June 20, 2009
Today consisted of the first leg of our trip home, eight hours to my sister-in-law’s house in Spencer, Iowa. After arranging and re-arranging the trunk of our car and LeRoy threatening to never go on vacation again (gee, I wonder where the kids get their tendency toward the drama??), we got going at @7:15 a.m., Mountain Time. The kids, exhausted from the trip, were subdued the majority of the trip. I spent the first 3 hours sleeping and the last 5 revising my novel which made the trip pass quickly. We arrived in Spencer at @4:30 p.m. Central Time, had dinner at my sister-in-laws and went to bed by 11 p.m.

Day 10, Sunday, June 21, 2009
The last leg of the trip home. After eating breakfast we hit the road at a little past 8 a.m.. The kids were still subdued and quiet for most of the trip. I slept for half the trip. After stopping to eat lunch at Fazoli’s in Waterloo, I spent the rest of the trip reading. Vacation officially ended at @3 p.m. when we entered our stuffy, hot house with the noise of the Blue Angels from the air show screaming overhead.

All told, the trip went very well—a couple of small mishaps that worked out in the end and the squabbles expected by spending so much time in such close quarters, but pretty smooth overall. Though it rained some every day, our timing was great and we did what we wanted to do mostly rain-free. The temperatures were great—low to mid-70s every day creating a shock to our system opening the car doors at home to upper 80s and 73° dew point.

Since I published a post in honor of mothers for Mother’s Day, I thought I should give equal recognition to dads in honor of Fathers’ Day. I’m not sure what to write about dads though because, as a mother, my experience with fatherhood is limited. My parents divorced when I was seven and after the first couple of years where he was diligent about exercising his monthly visitation rights, I have seen my father probably on average of twice annually. I had a step-father from when I was eighteen (thought he wasn’t officially that until I was twenty) until he passed away in 2002. With no intent to disrespect or offend my father, when I think of whom in my life has come the closest to what I understand of the role of “my dad” to be, the only person who seems to fit that characterization is my step-father. I had a great relationship with my step-father; probably due to the fact he had the advantage of coming into my life after I’d struggled through the turbulent adolescent years and was heading off to college—well, for the most part, as I did call him once at 3 a.m. in the dead of winter when the car I was driving wouldn’t start.

Losing Steve left a hole in my immediate family and we talk about our memories with him as a family like he had been there since day one rather than just one decade. When my grandmother died, Steve, who drove semis “over-the-road”, picked me up at midnight at college to drive me home so I could go to the funeral. I went on a couple of short trips with him in his rig. He had better directions than MapQuest and educated us on the dangers of road gators and lot lizards, both potentially deadly in their own way. Though they weren’t his flesh and blood, Steve reveled in my kids, lulling them to sleep on his truckers’ belly when they were babies then playing squirt guns and feeding them fudge for breakfast when they were a little older.

Even though he could be anywhere in the country at any time during the week, he found a way to be there within hours, at the most, of my children’s births. He drove nearly all night to get home to turn around and drive two hours more to the hospital near where my husband and I were living so he could be there when my daughter was born. I have a picture of him and my father-in-law (who would never be accused of being overly physically affectionate), arms around each others’ backs like college buddies, proud of their first granddaughter (grandchild for Steve). My son’s arrival was more short-notice than my daughter’s so Steve was not able to make it back in time to be there for his birth. But he drove all day and came to the hospital to see his grandson, after visiting hours and before he went home.

Other than Steve, the only other person in my life who fits the epitome of “dad”—and not as “my dad”—is my husband. Even though I have no personal experience on which to offer LeRoy fatherly advice, I don’t think it matters much because I think the role of “dad” is much different today than it was a generation ago. My father-in-law was a good dad for the period of time in which he was fathering my husband but as a dad in today’s world’s standards, he would fall short. I require much more out of my husband as a dad than a father a generation ago would even imagine and, to LeRoy’s peril, probably more than a lot of wives require of their husbands today. Unfortunately for him, because I grew up without a traditional “dad” in my life and because of the person I think I turned out to be, I believe that dads are like dishwashers—they are great to have and life would be a hell of a lot harder for mom without them but they aren’t absolutely necessary, it may take more work but the dishes will get just as clean washing them by hand.

I don’t wish to diminish my husband’s role as a father. I know without LeRoy my life would be much more difficult. When the kids were babies, he changed as many diapers and got up in the middle of night as much, if not more, than I did. He still takes care of virtually all of the yard work, laundry and dishes. Even though he swears he hates our cats, he is quicker to clean up their hair balls than me and he cleans the litter boxes, feeds them, and waters them nearly 99% of the time. When company is coming, he pitches in to clean the house. Whenever there is a chore to be done, he jumps up and does it, most of the time without being asked. You may be thinking to yourself that this poor slug is getting a raw deal—and you’re probably right. Though I don’t think I’d tolerate much less, I wonder myself sometimes why in the world he sticks around. I suspect the real reason is that he is a workaholic. He grew up on a farm where life is your work and work is your life; where he wasn’t allowed to sit in front of the TV when there was feces to be excavated and it’s all he knows. And I, being the opportunistic bitch I am, cash in. I, however, tell myself that there must be SOMETHING he gets from me that is good enough to keep him around. (Good cooking, of course; the way through a man’s heart, right?) ;o)

My life is full. I have lead my daughter’s Girl Scout troop for five years, I write, I like to have parties, I walk, I do things with my kids and my mom, my daughter plays violin, my son’s in Cub Scouts, I like to go on vacation and weekend trips, I scrapbook, etc., etc., etc. I’m often asked how I find the time to do all those things, especially after they’ve seen a big project I’ve finished, whether a Girl Scout event, baby shower or whatever. I am very organized and a great time manager but the sole determining factor is LeRoy. I am able to do all the things I do because of what he does that I don’t have to. I’m sure I don’t express it enough but I greatly appreciate that and it is central to my quality of life.

I don’t mean to portray my husband as perfect because he is not perfect. He can be passive with me and sometimes yells too much at the kids. I don’t mean to portray myself as some needy, high-maintenance, diva, either. Even though I know he sometimes feels I don’t do as much as he does and sometimes I think maybe he’s right, I do a lot for my family as well. I take care of all of our finances, planning, shopping, cooking and when he is working his long hours (which is often), I’m it as far as taking care of the kids, taking them where they need to go, staying home if they get sick, etc. Somehow it seems to balance out even if maybe on the surface it doesn’t appear that way. The point is that LeRoy is my partner and though I could successfully raise my kids without him if I had to, I don’t want to. Without him, I could not be me.

If you feel slightly confused about this disjointed blog post—what is she trying to say? What’s the point? Or just a basic, HUH?—you’re not alone. I’m feeling the same way. I guess like a lot of things, fatherhood is full of ambiguity. So just forget about it and have a happy fathers’ day, okay?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all have a great romance like Wildcats Troy and Gabriella sometime in our lives? Troy and Gabriella seem to have each other’s language figured out; they can even sing to each other. But as I’m sure you’ve surmised, if not yet experienced yourself, the key that makes or breaks a great romance is communication and, unfortunately, it is rarely easy. Boys and girls have been trying to figure each other out for nearly forever, probably all the way back to Adam and Eve—but it never seems to go like it does in the movies, on TV or in romance novels. In real life, boys seem to resemble Jekyll & Hyde (think Superman and Clark Kent except Superman is evil) or some sort of species you can’t quite classify as a human being.

So what does it really mean when a boy ignores you or teases you? We will explore the answer to that question in a bit more detail below but the basic answer is either immaturity or fear. Before we get into that, let me provide you with some assurances. Yes, you are normal and yes, you are either moving into or feeling the reality of “teenagerdome”. The heart beating against your chest like a wild tiger, the millions of faucets in the palms of your hands and summersaults in your stomach when a boy you like comes near you or speaks to you are all normal. It may be hard to remember this when you feel like you are about ready to vomit your lunch (or actually do) but enjoy these feelings; when you grow up and get married, you will miss these feelings.

There are some very important points to remember about adolescent boys: Number 1: Luckily, most of them outgrow their tendencies but as any woman can tell you, some of them don’t. Number 2: Boys care very much about what their friends think of them. Number 3: Boys are afraid of girls, usually because their interest in girls as anything more than sports-buddies has not surfaced or it has and they don’t know what to do about it. Number 4: Boys usually don’t plan their life further ahead than the next week. Number 5: Boys are people, too. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like they are and they don’t act like they are but somewhere in there is more than likely a regular guy who someday does want to be a man with a good job he enjoys, a wife, a family, a house and a dog. Someday, he may even want a mini-van.

So let’s fast-forward and say there is a boy you like, would like to get to know better, go out on a date with him, be his girlfriend, etc. How should you make your feelings known? From personal experience, I do not recommend a passed note saying something like “do you like me, yes or no?” or “will you go out with me, yes or no?”, especially if the only thing you know about the boy is his name. As I found out the hard way more times than I care to admit, this is just too much for the average boy. You may get lucky but all I ever got in response to this approach was nothing, a big fat red-circle around “no”, or teasing from his friends with whom he shared the note — and then your self-esteem goes right down the toilet. Another usually ill-fated approach is asking your friend to ask him or his friend to ask him if he likes you; this involves way more people than needed and it makes it way too easy for him to dole out a rejection. Also, if you think about it, how can you really have a relationship with someone you can’t speak to directly and, even if he does tell his friend to tell your friend to tell you he does like you, how can you have a relationship with someone who can’t speak directly to you either?

The best approach for success and preserving your self-esteem is much more subtle and, unfortunately, one I didn’t figure out until well into high school. It is really quite simple: be nice, be friendly, say “hello”, try to sit by him in class, try to talk to him at sporting events, and try to be where he is—without, of course, becoming a stalker as this will invoke fear of another kind. Be honest but not too honest. Don’t make your opening statement to him “I love you” or “You’re my Troy and I’m your Gabriella”. If he asks you about your feelings, don’t deny them—but don’t count on him asking you this because of that fear, or more likely, because boys just aren’t that observant.

There are various responses a boy will give to you when he starts to recognize your extra attention, starts to figure out you like him, or his friends or someone else enlightens him. Either the object of your affection will respond well, like you back and you and he will move toward a dating, boyfriend-girlfriend situation or you will be faced with some sort of setback. I’ve categorized the most common setbacks in terms of his likely response in the event the boy doesn’t yet like you “that way” below.

Mr. Meanie:

Mr. Meanie resorts to machismo. If he doesn’t directly say it to you, he will likely make you feel like you’re ugly and he wouldn’t go out with you if you were the last girl on Earth. This guy cares way more about what his friends think of him than is healthy. If he actually doesn’t return your feelings, he is mean-spirited and without tact and honesty. If he does return your feelings, obviously, he is still mean-spirited and without tact or honesty but he also hasn’t outgrown his kindergarten days of pulling hair and chasing girls on the playground. If you run into this one, cut your losses and move on. Either way, you deserve much better. Maybe one day he’ll outgrow this but if he doesn’t, he will be a lonely old man.

Mr. Ignorer:

Mr. Ignorer is just so beside himself with how to handle your attention that he clams up. Determining Mr. Ignorer’s specific response can tell you if he likes you. An empty devoid stare when you talk to him signals he probably doesn’t like you back but a shy head lowering suggests he probably does like you back. Even with the latter, be careful; Mr. Ignorer may look like a wounded puppy you want to scoop up and squeeze but you may scare him and he’ll bite you out of fear. Be patient with Mr. Ignorer. Continue being friendly, saying hello, and talking to him; eventually you will soften him, he will learn you are not such a scary being and he will begin to respond. Or you will get bored talking to the proverbial wall and move on.

Mr. Split Personality

Mr. Split Personality is very friendly to you and appears to like you when you are alone but turns into Mr. Ignorer or Mr. Meanie when his friends are around. If a boy is mean to you at any time, he doesn’t deserve you no matter how nice he might be to you when his friends aren’t around. This sort of behavior can develop into a very unhealthy relationship. If his split personality is not quite so opposite, such as he is really friendly to you when his friends aren’t around but just ignores you when his friends are around, all hope is not lost. Keep talking and being friendly to him and his friends. He may eventually realize he has no reason to be so afraid of what his friends think and his personality may even out but, even if it doesn’t, maybe one of his friends could become your next love-interest.

Mr. Passive

Mr. Passive may be very nice to you and even hang out with you but never approaches you, says “hello” to you first, calls you, etc. Mr. Passive may even flirt with you sometimes; generally there will be times you think he really likes you and times you think he doesn’t care one way or the other. This boy probably likes you but just thinks of you as a good friend for now; either that, or he naively thinks you are dating. Status Quo is the way to go with this boy. Keep being friendly and talking to him; his feelings may change but even if they don’t you will have had good practice interacting with boys.

Mr. Committer

Mr. Committer responds very well to your attention but to the extreme. He may act like or actually say, “I love you and want to marry you.” This boy can be the answer to your prayers at first but he can get too intense way too fast. Obviously, Mr. Committer likes you—a lot—but generally, Mr. Committer is inexperienced and may be saying things or behaving the way in which he thinks girls want. Or he could be subconsciously sabotaging himself because he is so afraid of his feelings he is trying to creep you out and scare you away. Be nice to Mr. Committer but take a step back, take a breath, and if it gets too intense, be honest. Tell him you like him and are glad he likes you but that you are too young to make such a big commitment. You might then need to set boundaries about how often he should call you, etc.. It’s all about moderation; just like chocolate, sometimes you can’t have any and you crave it but sometimes you eat the whole box and get a stomach ache.

Mr. Rarety

Mr. Rarety is the honest boy who returns your attention, likes you, treats you like he likes you but does not smother you. Mr. Rarety doesn’t want to be in a romantic relationship; however, Mr. Rarety has the tact, honesty and integrity to tell you that. Even when Mr. Rarety tells you he does like you for more than just a friend but he’s just not ready to date or be a boyfriend, do not cross him off your list. If you find this boy and he tells you he just wants to be friends, by all means, be just friends (which can admittedly sometimes be very difficult). Even if all this boy ever is is a friend, hang on to him because his honest-tactful-integrity can help you out in numerous other areas of your life as you grow up. A word of caution, though; don’t expend an inordinate amount of time looking for Mr. Rarity; many grown men have trouble with tactful honesty so expecting it from one whose voice hasn’t fully changed is a little naïve.

After your attempts to talk to the particular boy of your interest and decode his secret language, if you come to the conclusion he just doesn’t feel about you or isn’t interested in you the way you feel about and are interested in him, take a mental step back and think about who he is and who you are. Ask yourself how well you really know this person. Liking someone you don’t know such as someone famous or just the cute boy who sits in the back in your math class is totally normal. It also provides the opportunity for you to feel what you feel, explore those feelings and do a little daydreaming without the risk of actually having to date someone. You may realize your crush on someone unattainable, or maybe even inappropriate, means you are just not ready for a true romantic relationship and that is just fine. When you are ready, you will know it and you will eventually begin to have more realistic crushes.

A Few Reassurances And Pieces Of Advice:

Remember, most likely the first boy you go on a date with or even the boy you go to prom with is not going to be the man you marry. This may crush you at the time but don’t sweat it. Remember also that the cutest boy in school now may be balding and jobless by 30 and, conversely, the plainer, less descript guy may end up having the best sense of humor and attitude. And many a backwards boy has become a very handsome man. Besides, when you grow up, it’s hard to remember your classmates as anything other than boys and you might find when you do get married that your husband was not someone you would have been attracted to in school.

If you’re confused about your feelings, boys in general, or get frustrated, talk it out. Talk with your friends and have fun with it but don’t be too hard on them if they end up not being the best people to share with in this area; perhaps they haven’t been where you are yet or they may be jealous. Or maybe they like the same boy. Go ahead, gossip about who has a crush on who but be selective about who you talk to. Make sure you can trust them not to blab the identify of your crush to the whole school. Also, keep in mind if someone gossips about others with you (especially negative gossip), chances are they talk about you when you are not around as well. So be discreet if you don’t want Johnny to know you like him. If you have a hard time at all with your feelings, save the serious talks for older, wiser women. Your best bet is your own mom; her experiences will be most relevant and trust me, being open and honest with your mom is probably one of the best gifts you could ever give her. But if your mom is not available or you try to talk to her but she just can’t get past “my baby’s growing up and I can’t accept that”, try an aunt, friend’s mom, a much older sister, a teacher, school nurse, coach or librarian—any well-adjusted adult with healthy relationships will do. If she’s a girl and especially if she’s married, she’s been there. Even your dad or other trusted older male can be a good choice and give you some insight into what a boy is thinking.

Learn to laugh at yourself and the boys you encounter (though not to their face; that’s mean). Have fun and stay lighthearted. It’s hard, it hurts, but it is fun and exhilarating. The whole world is ahead of you. Enjoy it because braces, mortgages and car payments are not as far in the future as they may seem. Though waking up to the same man every day is wonderful and has its own reward, the big daily questions consist of milk or OJ and sports page or business section, not which boy might talk to me today or who might I go to the dance with? If you feel like you’re on a roller coaster ride, you are, but roller coaster rides are fun so hang on; it will be over soon enough.