Dear Friends and Family:
Well, it has been another fun-filled year in my life so I thought I’d bring you up-to-date with my holiday letter. I’ll begin where I left off last year.
As you know, those two big humans with whom I share this abode brought in another roommate without so much as even mentioning it to me, let alone asking me if it was okay a couple of months before last year’s letter. Remember how I was looking forward to Christmas morning last year? The tree was more loaded with packages than it had ever been and I was sure I would be lavished with yarn balls, fish treats, and that nip that just gets me crazy. Well, Christmas morning came and as soon as first light crept in the room from behind the blinds, I extracted myself from beneath Jon’s legs because he’d rudely taken over the bed and ran down the stairs as fast as I could. Oh, what a sight to see!! The tree was lit beautifully with even more presents scattered around the floor. I was so happy I danced in circles. I couldn’t wait for Jon and Lucy so I screamed up the stairs; they didn’t hear so I jumped on them and screamed in their faces. I was beside myself with anticipation but they wouldn’t budge; they were splayed out snoring like dogs. So I thought of Josephine; maybe this new roommate would be good for something after all. So I went to her room and started to mock her; I really played it up telling her it wasn’t fair she had to be imprisoned in that cell while I got to roam free and it did the trick. Soon she started wailing and Jon and Lucy came running.
I ran down the stairs right on their heels under their feet. “Oh boy”, I thought, “here we go”. But they sat down and stuck a bottle in Josephine’s mouth. Not a bad idea to have a snack before tearing into all those packages, so I thought I’d get me a bite myself. I should’ve known how the rest of the day would proceed when I found my bowl empty without a single kernel of food or drop of water; even the cookies they had left out for that fat man were gone. I returned and lay down by the packages and waited. Finally, Jon began pulling presents from under the tree. I waited and waited but do you know what? They had pulled out every single package and didn’t give me a single one. I looked and looked but found no other packages. I didn’t get one ball of yarn, fish treat or even a cheesy laser-light which we all know is actually a gift to themselves they can use to torture me.
Well, kitties, it went all downhill from there. I was forgotten and replaced by Josephine. I just cannot figure out why. Take toileting for example; they have to wipe disgusting messes from Josephine’s bottom and cover it with some absorbent plastic covered underwear. Come on! She is not even litter box trained. I do my business in the same spot every day; all they do is scoop it out and get rid of it. And eating. Josephine eats the most grossening slop you’ve ever seen and more of it ends up sprayed on the wall like the doughboy had been murdered than gets into her mouth. All they have to do for me is pour some kibble in a bowl and I take care of myself. I just don’t get it. What does SHE have that I don’t? It can’t be love. Waking the whole household up at 3 a.m. just because you want a little snack does not show love! Now jumping in your lap, snuggling in and allowing you to pet my fur; that is love. Josephine doesn’t even purr!! She just whines and cries and poops and pukes! Yuck!
For awhile, things did get better. I stopped glaring at Josephine trying to figure out how I could steal her breath like they show on that movie and just accepted the fact I was forgotten. It wasn’t all bad; it was kind of nice to be left alone. I could sleep wherever I wanted or walk around the countertops without being noticed. And they quit dressing me up in those stupid sweaters and trying to make me go for a walk like I was some common mutt. Ol’ Josephine got to endure that torture. But get this; while they tried to make me walk, SHE gets to ride in a fancy pet carrier without sides. I thought for a moment perhaps it would be worth dressing up in silly costumes to go for a ride in that contraption but then when I noticed they were collecting evidence to display and share, I decided no fancy ride is worth that. So things were okay. They had a big party with cake, balloons and more presents a year to the day after Josephine moved in but by then I was used to getting the shaft.
Then one day shortly after the party, like a miracle, Josephine rose up from all fours and started moving around just like Jon and Lucy. I couldn’t believe it. At first I thought, “This is great; if Josephine is getting to be more like Jon and Lucy maybe she will start to pet me, cuddle with me and fill my food bowl”. So one day I tried to make friends. She was sitting on the floor and I rubbed up against her leg. Boy was that a mistake! Suddenly I felt an excruciating pain in my back side; I wailed and tried to run away but she just kept swinging and cackling. I finally got away but Josephine, the little masochist, must have enjoyed it because she started chasing me around the house. Now I can’t get within ten feet of her without her screeching “kitty” and trying to steal my fur or my tail. She’s even got Jon and Lucy brainwashed; they don’t even try to stop it. They just say, “No, no, Josephine” and pat her on her grubby little head.
So here it is almost Christmas again and I don’t think I can take it another day. What’s worse is Lucy’s lap is shrinking which is what happened right before Josephine showed up. So I’m not going to wait around just to subject myself to more hell. So I am out of this kitty condo. I’m movin’ on; going to try life on my own for awhile. It can’t be any worse than this year has been. I wish you well; wish me luck.
Lovingly,
Your adoring feline,
Harry the Cat
